Review: 'Clash of the Titans' remake is FX heavy and lacking a plot

Clash of the Titans   PG 13    

            Perseus isn't out to wed anyone, certainly not Andromeda, but rather to battle special effects, in this cheesy remake of a classic 1981 film. Unlike the fun and sometimes hilarious original, this one is 'The Mummy Returns' meets '300', or the 'Let's cash in on a title from the 80s again' flick. Son of Zeus, Perseus is cast down into the moral world to a Greek town, which is under attack from the gods for being disobedient. Perseus must battle the handful of Titans, including Medusa and Krakken and Hades and scorpions and stuff. Nowhere in this is it about love for Andromeda. Perseus seems to be more interested in Hera, the half goddess following him everywhere. But he's clearly more interested in his men. And adding 3 D later doesn't work and doesn't make it a better script. Desperate for a rewrite, the well known actors struggled through the horrid dialog (especially Worthington and Neeson) and hoped to make something out of this mess, but it came out sounding kind of like a homoerotic gladiator picture. Every time the men declare their loyalty it sounds like a betrothal. Man, and some thought 'Troy' was like that, and 'Gladiator', and 'Meet the Spartans', but this is almost more so. The intent was to cash in on the title. The actors, fine in their own rights, seem bored and only willing to do it for the money. (Now that's not right somehow). The writers had a list of Titan things for Perseus to fight and checked them off one by one without giving this a soul, or a reason for their being there. (Krakken, Medusa, Hades...okay, what's next)? The cheesy, low budget original was fun because it had soul and it those early stop motion effects weren't bad for their time, but this latest thing is all spectacle and no heart. They clearly did this just to cash in, and it shows, but actually it's not as bad as critics said. It's not a horrible picture. It just didn't need to be made. At times the unintended snickers from the audience at the dialog was similar to the audience viewings of 'Rocky Horror' back in the day. Can't wait until someone rips this on the net. Ooh. It has some really bad lines. Sure the battles are pretty and the Pegasus is cool, but the producers shouldn't have made the special effects to drive the movie, but the story to be enhanced by effects. 
Review by Adam Browne